20 Outfits Christian Grey Would Not Approve Of Dakota’s Ana

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When we think about 50 Shades of Grey (and believe us, we almost never do), we wonder how the main characters, Christian Grey and Ana Steele, compare to their real-life counterparts, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. In case you aren't aware, in the books, Christian introduces the shy Ana to a life of BDSM, and the two live happily ever after. Some other plot stuff happens, but let's be totally honest with ourselves, nobody cares about plot in these books. It's all about the kinky stuff in-between. They are smut with a non-smutty cover, allowing women to read them in the subway without the fear of being judged too harshly. Unfortunately, rather than being judged for reading them, they're now judged for reading trash.

But, back to our thought. It's tough to say how close Dornan is to Christian. On the surface, they appear close, but we don't know what Dornan does behind closed doors. Johnson does, however, seem to be very much like the timid and shy Ana. Since Johnson's personal life is so sheltered, we can't dig too deeply there. The majority of what we see of these two, especially Johnson, is during red carpet events particularly within awards season. Because of that, we decided to look at Johnson's wardrobe choices during those and other red carpet events and judge them as if we are Christian Grey. Which outfits would he punish her for wearing? Which outfits would she get 30 lashes for donning in public? There are many. It turns out that Johnson's taste in gowns is often as bad as her taste in scripts. Here are 20 Outfits Christian Grey Would Not Approve Of Dakota’s Ana On The Red Carpet.

Golden Girl

We accept that people like this look. Johnson's Gucci dress at the 2017 Academy Awards was certainly eye-catching, but for us, it just looked ridiculous. Johnson grew up as Hollywood royalty, so her shy demeanor can be misconstrued as uptight, but we don't believe that to be true. However, when we spotted her in this dress, she looked the uptight part. Instead of making us get nostalgic for the 50's, which seemed to be the intention of the dress, this high-necked, broad-shouldered piece made us realize why fashion changes from era to era, to leave behind the ugly. The muted dress pulls all the color from Johnson's skin, making this ever-beautiful woman look like Gollum at a dinner party. For Christian, no skin is no Bueno.

Sheer Beauty

At the 19^th Annual Hollywood Film Awards in 2015, Johnson might have done better to just show up topless. We say that with the utmost respect because her Gucci dress wasn't really covering anything anyway. The sheer top was completely see-through, and no bra means no problem seeing everything. To make matters worse, the photographers were sure to shine the brightest lights on her to ensure that everything shone through the material. Christian would be alright with that part of the dress. If anything, there's a chance that it is too forward for Christian because he likes his women submissive. Then there's the rest of the dress. Its childish little stars make the thing look like Johnson gave her five-year-old niece some glitter, a glue gun, and a license to go ham.

The Worst Shade Of Grey

Honestly, you might not even call this material grey, but we decided that we are. Back at the 2011 LACMA Art + Film Gala, a Gala that Johnson is usually a regular at, she wore this single-strapped grey dress that sapped all the color out of her face, making her look nearly as grey as the material of the unflattering dress. The almost-shapeless dress did have some sensual appeal in some areas, but the negatives far outweigh the positives in this case. For Christian, this is one shade of grey that he would never approve of Ana wearing with her skin tone, and we wouldn't blame him.

How To Be Single

When Dakota Johnson appeared at the premiere of How to be Single, she showed off how clever she really is. Wearing a beige Valentino gown that precisely matched her skin tone, Johnson showed every woman watching exactly how to be single. This dress also helped us realize that Johnson seems to have a weird attachment to stars. Every other red carpet, Johnson has stars of some sort printed on her dresses. Well, we're not fashion experts, but we can say with extreme confidence that Christian Grey would much rather have Ana in leather chaps than in a sickly-colored, 70's-style, star-spangled dress like this.

Pretty (?) In Pink

Although we do understand the meaning of the red carpet and grasp that this does not quite fit, we had to include Dakota Johnson's appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon in 2016 because of the dress she wore. This number with varying shades of pinks and red was better-suited for a circus than an appearance on late night television. To make matters worse, Johnson swore on the show and caused a bit of a controversy which got even more eyes on this shaggy dress. For us and Christian, the big problem is with the shoulder pad things. These ruffled red patches looked completely silly and distracted us from the nice plunging neckline and what could have been with the dress.

Wearing The Pants

There is no doubt that Dakota Johnson has worn pantsuits before the 2017 Hollywood Film Awards and she will certainly wear them again, but this powerful red suit is anything but submissive. To be quite honest, Johnson looks pretty good in the getup, with its long plunging neckline and fitted pants. The issue here is that Christian Grey would probably not approve of it. He is the one who wears the pants in their relationship. He is the blazer guy. He wants his women to be entirely feminine and weak, not masculine, daring, and subversive. Back in line.

Ruffles

Sweet lord. All those ruffles. For the 50 Shades Darker premiere in Madrid, Johnson wore so many ruffles, layers upon layers of them. You could just see the disappointment in Jamie Dornan's face, as he wore a suit befitting his character and his co-star wore a dress befitting a Victorian doll. The pale pink/cream color of the dress blended so well with Johnson's skin you would think she was naked on the red carpet. She had ruffles from her toes all the way up to her chin. The only skin showing was on her face and her hands, and the entire ensemble was capped off with a giant bow tie. Fashion can be very confusing at times, but we're certain that this look is not a good one.

A Modern Woman

Johnson's ensemble at the ASC Awards, a long white open-backed dress over black trousers, is nothing but unique. We actually kind of like the look. She has a real futuristic Matrix-like thing going on. But Christian would never go for this. Despite the tied-up back of the dress revealing some skin, the black pants are not provocative enough. Christian is a man of the past. You might argue that BDSM is modern, but when the female is the submissive one, it seems to be much more a throwback to a time when women were considered lesser than men. Modernity goes against everything Christian practices.

Vanity Fair

At a Vanity Fair event last year, Johnson showed up in what looked like a very compelling Lydia Deetz costume. The long black drape-looking dress gave the 50 Shades star a gothic look that would surely scare Christian off (or any self-respecting human for that matter). Christian likes his black in his suits and in his leather straps and whips, not in lacy outfits. We're not sure about the fine details of the dress, but we have seen those tassels on curtains before. It's possible that Johnson was in mourning here, so maybe there was a reason why she chose such a sad look.

Peacock

Every year at the LACMA Gala, Johnson appears to take some really massive chances on fashion. At the 2013 event, she chose to wear a peacock or a bird of some sort (we're not quite sure of what it was). Up close, the Gucci dress is actually very striking. The details are pretty incredible, and Johnson looked very gorgeous that night. But, when you break the dress down into its parts, Johnson's wearing a bird. Christian wants a woman with her wings clipped, not one who has the audacity to slaughter a bird and slap it on a dress then parade it around on the red carpet.

Copycat

Don't ask us how we know this, but when Christian Grey looks in the mirror, he doesn't necessarily like what he sees. This is a guy who is tortured by his past and considers himself a bit of a shadow of a man. So, if he was to see Johnson (or Ana) wearing his clothes to the Museum of Contemporary Art Gala, he would not be impressed. That's basically what happened when Johnson wore a black tuxedo to the event, one that, with the exception of the shoes and gold little belt, looked eerily similar to his standard outfit. Now, we're not saying she didn't look good because she did. We just know what Christian enjoys, and a woman raiding his closet isn't one of those things.

Going Amish

Maybe we're out of touch. In fact, it's almost certain that we are, because when Dakota Johnson showed up to the BAFTA Garden Party in this huge hat and white blazer, the majority of people loved it. But we're with Christian on this one. There's a fine line between a large garden hat and a large Amish hat and, for whatever reason (maybe the blazer), Johnson is looking mighty Amish here, not that there's anything wrong with that, though. Of all the traditionalist and religious groups, we're thinking the Amish might be one of the least interested in BDSM.

China-Themed

The theme at the 2015 Met Gala was "China: Through The Looking Glass." Many of the guests dedicated or angled their look to this theme. How Johnson's chain mail dress from Chanel fit into this is troubling. By all accounts, her tousled hair and shimmery dress was not trying to satisfy the theme, but perhaps her eye makeup was. If that is the case, the somewhat-slant-eyed mockery was 50 Shades of Insensitive. We don't want to assume that's what the plan was, but it looks bad. More importantly, this dress is awful. Christian would like its length but that's about it.

50 Shades Of Cream

Of all the fashion choices of Johnson on the red carpet, her dress at the LA premiere of 50 Shades Darker might be the worst. This cream-colored, shapeless curtain she put on does nothing for us. Yes, she was stunning. She could have worn a brown paper bag and looked beautiful, but this was worse than a paper bag. It all just looked loose and sloppy. As the silk-like material clung for dear life to Johnson's chest, the color blended in with her skin far too effortlessly. Now, perhaps the material felt like an angel's wing brushing against her skin, but we could have made this dress for her for a few bucks. Give us a cream-colored sheet and a pair of scissors and call it a day.

Thrift Store Dress

If the last entry was our least favorite of all the dresses and looks on this list, this one is probably our favorite. We may hate the dress. We may think it looks totally ridiculous with the different wristwatches and patches glued to it. But, Johnson is a stunning image in it. The dress fits her incredibly, and this dress and her hair frame her lovely face very well. But Christian wants a woman who loses herself in his dungeon. So it's safe to say that he definitely doesn't want someone who can check her watch every time she glances downward.

Paint It Black

Much like the other pantsuits Dakota has been pictured wearing on this list, Johnson looks quite good in slacks. Unlike the others, however, this pantsuit shows very little of Johnson's body, and that's where Christian draws the line. In his eyes, you can dress like a man outdoors, but you've got to show off hints of your feminine quality. Truthfully, we don't know what Christian would really think about this outfit. He might hate it, but it looks fine to us. We just assume that a guy who whips for excitement wouldn't get all that worked up about a neatly-tailored in-seam.

Focus Of The Dress

Even though Christian would certainly approve of Johnson's lack of bra during the Green Carpet Fashion Awards in Milan during fashion week, it is the dress that concerns us. Yes, she looked beautiful in it, and yes, the dress is actually quite nice overall. Our big problem is with the chest focus of the dress. The beaded-star bust looks alluring from afar, but up close, you see the pale frill material underneath. This just looks sloppy and too childish for Christian's taste. He would want that frill to be taken right off and have the beaded stars be the only thing covering up Ana's goods.

Blue Diamond-Print

The fact that Johnson's dress at the seventh annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic made several best-dressed lists proves that we have no idea what we're talking about. But come on, this dress is not that nice. It can't be. The blue part alone is just fine, but this Diane von Furstenberg dress makes it look like Johnson is wearing black overalls underneath. From the waist down, this dress is incredible. The diamond-shaped cutouts are adorable, and it looks form-fitted across her waist. But waist up? An entirely different story. It's not enough to take away from how attractive Johnson is, but this dress is half awful.

This Old Thing

You know when you're house-hunting and the realtor tells you to look beyond the shag carpet or that disgusting teal wallpaper to see the true beauty of the home? Well, this dress is like that when looking at Johnson. Who in Dakota's camp told her this dress was a good idea? Is this where fashion has got to? We look away for a few years and all of sudden, horrifyingly bland yellowy-browns are allowed? What is this disaster? They call this mustard yellow, but mustard only starts to look like this when it's been left out too long. Johnson's stylist clearly raided the Little House on the Prairie wardrobe and thought, maybe this is back in, but not all fads come back. This is proof of that.

Brush Your Shoulder Off

The 2017 Met Gala reminded us all of something very important. It doesn't matter if how expensive a dress is. It doesn't matter if Gucci designed it. No matter what, if a dress has massive protruding objects on the shoulders, it won't look good. This is what Dakota Johnson's black flower-themed dress made us realize. Johnson, the stunning starlet, was unable to pull off a very unique dress because of this basic fashion principle. The dress itself was actually quite gorgeous. The material shimmered as she moved, and it fit her like it was painted on. But those shoulder flowers...those simple, awful-looking shoulder roses were the undoing. Show her shoulders and her neck, and the dress is a major hit.

Sources: Vanity Fair; Met Gala; Oscars; Celebuzz